Strained family ties
I dare swear that I cherish my family a lot.
But circumstances always show that things don't go both ways.
Mother's day is on this Sunday. I SMSed my siblings yesterday and asked what they wanna do for that day and found out that on Thursday night when I was out with my friends, my family settled for dinner on Saturday night because all of them can make it and they assume I'll be able to go too.
There's alumni band practice today too. And it's the last alumni practice, I have to turn up. The thing is...I've been going for band practices every Saturday and always returning late, how come they didn't even notice nor remember that I'll be busy on Saturdays? And they didn't even call me and asked me about my schedule. Then what? Get me to sacrifice another band practice? I haven't been to band all week because of bloody work and I can't stand it already.
And I'm stuck in the middle. They don't wanna make it on Sunday night because my sister has a wedding dinner go to. I'm busy on Saturday, but none of them seem to care.
It really hurts when they don't notice what I'm doing. It's already enough that they don't even try to understand what I like to do that I don't bother to tell them anymore...yet they can go support my brother for his Chinese Orchestra concert as a whole family..that was like, maybe more than ten years ago? And I've never had the whole family coming for any of my concerts, I've performed in countless of them so far.
My dad even called me to scold me why I won't be going for dinner on Saturday and how am I going to make him understand?
I hate it when I hurt my mum, I'm sure I did, because I didn't turn up for the dinner which is supposed to be an indication of love and piety and respect for her.
Now there's a cold war at home, and I hate this. I have a high ego, a really high one, and I'm ultra stubborn. I won't give way. The thing is, I don't feel a lot of concern at home. There's no point if they only bother about my safety. I get so depressed that I even think of not going home, since there's already a degree holder, i.e. my brother who completed his studies at RMIT, at home and I don't need to be around to wear that square hat to bring face to this family.
But I have nowhere to go to. And I don't wanna blow things up, I don't wanna be too harsh to my mum. Yes, even though she didn't mention anything about informing me first-hand about their decision. I also don't wanna make my home look like my hotel, like I only go back when I need lodging and meals. And I hate myself for being like this.
Ultimately, I don't know if it is really correct if I was to sacrifice a very important practice for selfish me's sake and not go for dinner with my family, for Mother's Day.
Others get to celebrate Mother's Day with their Mums after band practices all that, but I don't get to. I don't know who to blame. Myself? It's like, serve me right, who ask me to go band and I don't get to eat Din Tai Fung's dimsum, something I didn't try before. But that's not the point.
I am pissed when I know that they're having fun and ample time with each other and leave me out...sort of like, outcast me. That's quite ok if it's about friends and me, I'll feel sad, definitely, but this is family, not friends. I feel so cold at home.
When I got home I saw my sister on the upper bunk of my room. I got quite sicked. Hated it. It was because of her and the stupid wedding dinner that she couldn't miss (as well as for me and my band practice that I couldn't miss) that I didn't get to go eat with my family. And when she was turning on her bunk, it kept giving me shocks because I wasn't used to it and like, why are there noises in my room...I hate this, hate that, beginning to hate everything at home. I know it's because of my commitments and work that I don't get to spend time on the dinner table with my family already, hence the more I should get included for their Mum's day celebration! It's like, I don't get to spend time with them and so they can't be bothered about cherishing the time they could've spent with me. This makes me feel like staying at my hostel in my future university for 7 days a week and not go home till the holidays. When I told everyone that I know I'll definitely miss home.
I'm at home. But I still miss home. I don't want to forget the feeling of having a family who loves me.
Gawd, I'm tearing when I'm typing all these.
And this is the time when I need most attention..from others...
But it's not as if I can get it from everyone...
Sam is always busy and spends very little time each day with me..I don't know how much longer I can last with him. And it saddens me to acknowledge this.
Friends...there are limitations to what you can get from them, but I'm happy that I have many of them.
I still need family eventually...and I want one which can show me that they really care for me, not only for my well-being, but also for what I like to do..
Sigh.
But circumstances always show that things don't go both ways.
Mother's day is on this Sunday. I SMSed my siblings yesterday and asked what they wanna do for that day and found out that on Thursday night when I was out with my friends, my family settled for dinner on Saturday night because all of them can make it and they assume I'll be able to go too.
There's alumni band practice today too. And it's the last alumni practice, I have to turn up. The thing is...I've been going for band practices every Saturday and always returning late, how come they didn't even notice nor remember that I'll be busy on Saturdays? And they didn't even call me and asked me about my schedule. Then what? Get me to sacrifice another band practice? I haven't been to band all week because of bloody work and I can't stand it already.
And I'm stuck in the middle. They don't wanna make it on Sunday night because my sister has a wedding dinner go to. I'm busy on Saturday, but none of them seem to care.
It really hurts when they don't notice what I'm doing. It's already enough that they don't even try to understand what I like to do that I don't bother to tell them anymore...yet they can go support my brother for his Chinese Orchestra concert as a whole family..that was like, maybe more than ten years ago? And I've never had the whole family coming for any of my concerts, I've performed in countless of them so far.
My dad even called me to scold me why I won't be going for dinner on Saturday and how am I going to make him understand?
I hate it when I hurt my mum, I'm sure I did, because I didn't turn up for the dinner which is supposed to be an indication of love and piety and respect for her.
Now there's a cold war at home, and I hate this. I have a high ego, a really high one, and I'm ultra stubborn. I won't give way. The thing is, I don't feel a lot of concern at home. There's no point if they only bother about my safety. I get so depressed that I even think of not going home, since there's already a degree holder, i.e. my brother who completed his studies at RMIT, at home and I don't need to be around to wear that square hat to bring face to this family.
But I have nowhere to go to. And I don't wanna blow things up, I don't wanna be too harsh to my mum. Yes, even though she didn't mention anything about informing me first-hand about their decision. I also don't wanna make my home look like my hotel, like I only go back when I need lodging and meals. And I hate myself for being like this.
Ultimately, I don't know if it is really correct if I was to sacrifice a very important practice for selfish me's sake and not go for dinner with my family, for Mother's Day.
Others get to celebrate Mother's Day with their Mums after band practices all that, but I don't get to. I don't know who to blame. Myself? It's like, serve me right, who ask me to go band and I don't get to eat Din Tai Fung's dimsum, something I didn't try before. But that's not the point.
I am pissed when I know that they're having fun and ample time with each other and leave me out...sort of like, outcast me. That's quite ok if it's about friends and me, I'll feel sad, definitely, but this is family, not friends. I feel so cold at home.
When I got home I saw my sister on the upper bunk of my room. I got quite sicked. Hated it. It was because of her and the stupid wedding dinner that she couldn't miss (as well as for me and my band practice that I couldn't miss) that I didn't get to go eat with my family. And when she was turning on her bunk, it kept giving me shocks because I wasn't used to it and like, why are there noises in my room...I hate this, hate that, beginning to hate everything at home. I know it's because of my commitments and work that I don't get to spend time on the dinner table with my family already, hence the more I should get included for their Mum's day celebration! It's like, I don't get to spend time with them and so they can't be bothered about cherishing the time they could've spent with me. This makes me feel like staying at my hostel in my future university for 7 days a week and not go home till the holidays. When I told everyone that I know I'll definitely miss home.
I'm at home. But I still miss home. I don't want to forget the feeling of having a family who loves me.
Gawd, I'm tearing when I'm typing all these.
And this is the time when I need most attention..from others...
But it's not as if I can get it from everyone...
Sam is always busy and spends very little time each day with me..I don't know how much longer I can last with him. And it saddens me to acknowledge this.
Friends...there are limitations to what you can get from them, but I'm happy that I have many of them.
I still need family eventually...and I want one which can show me that they really care for me, not only for my well-being, but also for what I like to do..
Sigh.
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