History repeated again

I screwed up another paper. Again.

Why do I feel like I'm so hopeless?

Is uni really my thing? Why can't I do it?

Nothing's that difficult in the exam, really.

I don't know why I didn't think of them.

I spent time to practise on the various techniques yesterday. Today one came out. It can be done, at least I can do it. I don't know why I didn't think of that technique.

Suddenly I understand how people feel when they commit suicide. It's that kind of...hopelessness in life, you don't know what your future holds for you, it feels like you're gonna have a bleak road in front of you. Why choose to walk that road then?

But I'm not going to jump, of course.

There's some sense of determination that I want to ace my exams the next round. But reality sets in and I wonder if I can pass this first. Or if I can stay in university first. Like...is there gonna be a next round? Even if there is. I don't have the feeling that I can do well. I don't just want to pass, I want to pass well. I don't think I can even hit a 2.5 for my CAP points this time.

What is happening to me?

Maybe I already am hopeless, just that I didn't realise it.

我讨厌我自暴自弃。