Down

Sometimes when I just thought of some stuff I get really really down..and it just happened again.

I don't know what's wrong with me. I'm supposed to sleep.

I just cried. For some reason. For many reasons.

I'm not sure but I think I'm scared. It's like...things aren't as happy as they should be.

School is becoming a torture for me. I'm no longer the busy Erina I used to be back in my heydays. In Yumin Primary I joined the Girls' Brigade then. 29th COY, I remember. That was where I learnt drills, I learnt discipline, and where I learnt about other religions and where I started out to be a dare-to-speak person with all those leadership training camps and all. I don't go back already, I don't even recognise the newly revamped school anymore. Memories stay with me. I was some Junior Leader and I went all the way and got a Best Girl Brigader during my last primary school Speech Day. I was also a prefect. I don't know how I managed to juggle all those things...I even had art lessons and tuition outside. In Hai Sing, though I was reluctant, being a Sports Leader VP other than a band member fulfilled my life in another way. It took me out further to experience leadership in another way, and learnt and grew a lot from there. I was vice-chairman in class, I was like one of the trusted students of the teachers, I was the responsible kid..These seem to be something I achieved and I won't forget. In MJ I thought I won't be able to juggle my work with band, so I pulled myself out of the elections for the band committee. I thought, what have I missed out? How would life be now if I got elected? Will I be a happier and fulfilled person? Would I learn to juggle things better and do well in both studies and commitments? I can't catch up with my work. All five modules I'm lagging behind and I don't do well and I freak out sometimes...but when I want to study I just can't concentrate. I don't know why. I hate to be this way. I really really hate this I'm hating myself for who I am. I want my life back. By getting it back, I probably would do better in several areas.

I miss my family sometimes. It has been so long since we last sat down to have dinner together. When I reach home on Fridays, most of the time my brother will be out with his friends, mum will be at work and dad will be sleeping. Going home to an empty house isn't a good idea. It made me wonder if I made the family even emptier. This makes me feel very bad. I just called home at midnight, thinking if I can catch my mum on the line. Chatted with my mum for a while and at some point I don't know what to say. But I miss her. I miss my dad too. His crappings and his irritations and him forever comparing 4D slips with the Teletext and myself telling him that he won't win. I miss my brother being always oh-so-nice to me and paying for my stuff whenever I need. I miss my sister living in my room and I could just talk to her and have fun. I miss my entire family. On weekends sometimes they have other places to go to and won't be home for dinner. Last Saturday it was only mum and me. But she cooked great food...it has been so long since she cooked for me...I was either not around or there just wasn't enough people at home to whip up a meal for.

I miss my friends. The friends I made before coming to NUS. I miss the gatherings the 7 of us used to have when we were less occupied. I miss the meals I had with my MJCSB friends. Those after band practices supper with MJCSB mates, especially going to Pasir Ris Central for tze char with Hong Wei. It's just those endless chatting and catching up with each other that can make you feel like you're loved. I miss going out with Felix, Kai Yan and Hong Wei and occasionally Jie Ying etc...I miss going out with the alumni to have supper with Miss Sia...I miss her! How I wish I can just run to IMM tomorrow and chat with her over lunch but I have programming to do...I do miss a lot a lot of people...sometimes I miss Wee Juay too. I don't deny that I still think of him. I still wonder how things will be like if we didn't break up at that point, how many days we'd been together, I know nothing really will last forever but I still wonder how he thinks of me. Really..all these things coloured my MJCSB life.

Back in HSCCB...I treasured my juniors and seniors so dearly. Daniel was always the nice guy, he still is, I'm so glad I'm back to the same section as him in NUSWS come December. I am really thankful that he was the one who taught me well that's how I can become who I am today. He's ever so patient and I don't remember him blowing his top at me or at all. That made my tuba learning process so much better, even though I could've disappointed him by wanting to quit the band. I used to call him 'Kang kor kor!' and his best buddy Cedric 'Daddio!'. Now of course I call them Daniel and Cedric...age is crawling up to me. Ee Yan showed a moody face most of the time, but she can get very fun when she warms up. And all my juniors! I remember how they respected me and really looked up to me and co-operated with me that I call them my kids. Those days. I miss Mai being my good friend in HSCCB even though I left her out sometimes. I think. And all those crapping with Yi Xin and Pearlyn and co...I miss the enthusiasm about music I had in HSCCB. I had the initiative to do things, I learnt the scales and all myself but I forgot them when I went to JC. Things were so basic then.

I am not contributing to hall and I'm feeling awful about it. It's not that I don't want to...sometimes I just think, no point. I joined softball but because of bands' commitments I quit. I feel really bad about it because I thought I could do something for the hall...now I feel like I'm just some leech. I chose not to join much of the CCAs in hall because I could be depriving a chance for those who want to stay but can't find any committee to take them in. I look at my friends in hall and I know I don't know them well enough. Sometimes I feel so close to them, sometimes I feel so distant and far away. Sometimes I just don't know how to react to still be myself and still be not offensive. Sometimes I just think I am not funny anymore.

I often wonder why my life is like this, when others seem to have the most perfect of lives..they go home to a lot of noise, they have good results, they have companions, they seem to have everything even though I know no one will be satisfied with their lives.

Sometimes I wonder if there are really people who understand me completely...I need attention most of the time, but if the attention are negative, I'll feel even worse. I know I can be at fault or whatsoever, I just..I don't know..I guess I just need someone who knows how to treat me as and when the situation is like. I'm not asking for a boyfriend, not all boyfriends can be like that...I don't know who or what I want. But I feel empty like I'm missing something.

There are a lot of times when people whom are thought to understand you best don't know what you're asking for and what you need...I can just feel the pang and I don't know why I still continue to act happy and pretend nothing happened when I just want to forget about things and move on with life. But move on to where? I seem to be stuck here with no navigations not knowing what to do or what to say and I don't even know who to talk to. You don't tell every single detail to a person and sometimes you just need to talk to another person. It could be a problem with me, but I don't know why I'm like that...and I get very very impatient with people who turns me off, even though they didn't do things on purpose to piss me. I try hard to not be a mean person when people are just being nice. But sometimes you just cannot accept a person for who they are.

I don't know what I need now...but I think I need attention again. This always happen to me when I'm down and stressed up but I don't know why...I seem to get left out sometimes. On purpose or not I'm not sure...

I think on the whole, I also need to have good guy friends in school. Like those I had in HSC and especially MJCSB. Felix etc can get very irritating but sometimes, I'm thankful that the guy up there brought them to me. And everyone else of course.

And probably I need a break.